Here’s how you can help me using Kickstarter

Sunday, April 7th 2013. | Internet News

I am largely still. I sit, a lot. Also: I eat when I’m not hungry, I drink significantly less water than is recommended, I can be fairly judgmental about people I’ve never met, and my concentration span is abbreviated. It has become clear to me that I need to improve. But no man is an island. Even me. I am involved in mankind, and therefore my bell tolls for thee, too. My inadequacies are, in part, your responsibility. So. I am looking for your investment. I’m Kickstartering my life.

Pledge £10 or more Your name will be recorded as an alarm on my phone, reminding me to refill my water bottle. Furthermore you will be mentioned at least once, over a packed lunch at work, in a conversation with my friend Becca about Emoji and the effects of drink. No more three-for-the-price-of-two salads from Tesco, eaten with a foldable spork. No more tepid soup.

Estimated delivery June 2013

Pledge £15 or more You will receive a note detailing my dreams, scrawled on the back of a receipt in that just-woken time when I’m usually  scrolling through Twitter to avoid getting up. I will not use my phone to kill those warm 15 minutes; I will leave it plugged in until it rings. [NB Author retains copyright.]

Estimated delivery May 2013

Pledge £20 or more My friendship will be yours for either one calendar year or until you get bored of my whining (investor’s choice). In this time you will witness me becoming a “better friend” – not offering advice before being asked, not turning conversations around so they’re all about me, not being bitchy unless it’s really, really funny.

Estimated delivery January 2014

Pledge £25 or more You know that lull after lunch but absolutely ages before the end of the day? That’s yours. Gchat. Tea. An opinion on what you should do with your hair. Whatever – I’d only be on BuzzFeed anyway.

Estimated delivery May 2013

Pledge £30 or more An invitation to join me, via Skype, as I prepare your choice of weekend supplement meal and set the table for a dinner where my boyfriend and I will ask each other about our days and perhaps plan a holiday instead of huddling in front of Will & Grace in mismatching pyjamas bickering lovingly about the heating.

Estimated delivery May 2013

Pledge £35 or more No more than a vial but no less than one fluid ounce of my still-warm sweat, harvested after strenuous exercise, wrung from a vest and delivered within a 200m radius of my flat in London’s fashionable east London. [NB Please refrain from cloning, wherever possible.]

Estimated delivery November 2013

Pledge £40 or more 1 x sweaty vest.

Estimated delivery December 2013

Pledge £45 or more You will be handed responsibility for all my online passwords, including the ones that are case sensitive and the ones which require a combination of letters and numbers. Sucker.

Estimated delivery April 2013

Pledge £50 or more Pound of flesh. [NB Metaphor.]

Timeline Work on self through exercise, conversation, diet and education; supply investors with agreed content. Wait up to 20 days for funds to clear.

Week 1 Backer survey (collect required goods, provide mailing address etc)

Weeks 2-11 Production

Weeks 11-12 Freight

Week 13 Final packaging and fulfilment of task; become perfect.

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