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You hardly need telling that the internet is evil. Before the internet, people didn’t know how to make bombs, nobody ever cheated on anybody and, if you looked below a newspaper story, you’d find another newspaper story and not 200 comments expressing bewilderment that someone actually got paid to write this tripe.
Hollywood, however, has been slow to understand just how evil the internet is. Sure, Untraceable and Feardotcom both depicted nightmarish situations where people could watch murders take place online. And there was The Lawnmower Man, which warned us of the very real possibility that the internet could turn everyone into insane pyrokinetic virtual reality geniuses who will destroy the world despite looking like something from the Dire Straits Money for Nothing video. But they hardly captured the full horror of which the internet is really capable.
But finally there is Disconnect, a new thriller starring Jason Bateman. Will Disconnect finally reflect the pure undiluted malice of modern technology? Let’s pick through its trailer and find out exactly how the internet has ruined our lives:
1) Finally, a film about how maddening it is to be Facebook friends with someone who doesn’t use apostrophes properly. This is already literally as evil as the internet gets, so it’ll be interesting to see how the Disconnect trailer manages to top it.
2) I needn’t have worried, because Disconnect also shines a light on the vile way that the internet has made everyone pretend that they like boring Icelandic music that they would never actually listen to by choice in real life. I didn’t realise that I hated the internet this much until now. Thanks, Disconnect!
3) Even worse, Disconnect is the first film to speak the truth about how everyone with internet access – even politicians – now spend most of their lives ogling strangers with terrible interior design instincts online.
4) Jason Bateman knows how evil the internet is. That’s why he’s spent so much time grimly staring at his laptop that he’s let an entirely ill-advised beard seep across his face. Would Jason Bateman have grown a beard if it wasn’t for the internet? Almost certainly not.
5) The internet has also made us share the least flattering photos of ourselves; photos that reveal to the entire world what unapologetic idiots our friends are. Usually this sort of picture would lay quietly in an album for decades until your horrified children stumble across it after you die. But Disconnect knows how much worse things are now. Disconnect knows the truth.
6) What’s more, Disconnect knows that everyone with internet access – even vicars and your mum – has been goaded into taking semi-nude photographs of themselves in a mirror with the word “SLAVE” written in lipstick across their thigh and posting them on the internet. But thanks to Disconnect, perhaps we can begin to realise that taking semi-nude photographs of yourself in a mirror with the word “SLAVE” written in lipstick across your thigh and posting them on the internet might be a bad thing.
7) Oh, and you know that stranger with the terrible wallpaper who you saw online that time? You will definitely have an affair with him. Disconnect knows that everyone who ever speaks to anyone else in any context on the internet will definitely end up having middling sexual intercourse on a sofa. Thank you, Disconnect, for being right about everything.
8) And Disconnect knows that if you have the internet, you will definitely end up buying a gun on the black market, storing it in your glovebox and then using it to shoot someone who your wife was talking to online, because he either had sex with her or stole her identity or whatever. You’re using the internet now. It’s only a matter of time before you do this exact thing yourself.
9) Finally, Disconnect will teach you that, immediately after watching the Disconnect trailer online, you’ll realise that Disconnect is actually a hopeless, panicky, multi-stranded, worst-case scenario Crash rip-off, but with the internet instead of racism. And then you’ll run away from it in the rain or something. Look, go and watch a cat video. It has to be better than this.